It is hard to believe that in two short weeks, Claire will be with us. Our doctors have scheduled an amnio for December 20th to test for lung maturity, and assuming the lungs are mature, a c-section will follow that afternoon!
I've been thinking a lot about Claire's birth. At times, I feel overcome with excitement; at times, I feel downright scared. There are so many unknowns - whether Claire will do well or whether she will do poorly, whether her shunt will work or whether it will fail, what sort of challenges she will face in her first few days and weeks, how long she will spend in the hospital before she is allowed to come home. It seems impossible to prepare, both emotionally and intellectually, for every possible outcome. Being an incessant planner and list-maker, I have struggled to turn my fears and worries over to God and accept that He is in control of the situation.
Over and over, I have had to remind myself:
And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
While this seems easy enough to accept on a theoretical level, I have had a much harder time living it. I have so desperately wanted the "good" to mean that Claire will be just fine. While I know that this is certainly a possibility, I have had to remind myself that it is also possible that God may have other plans for Claire, and whatever they may be, I need to accept them and trust that good will come of them.
Recently, I found a passage that has brought me much closer to accepting God's plan, whatever it may be, and trusting in Him to see us through any challenges that Claire may face:
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
(James 1:2-4, 12).
Already I can see how much good has come into our lives since Brad and I learned of Claire's condition four months ago: We are so much stronger in our faith, we have grown closer together as a couple, we have made wonderful new friends who have truly enriched our lives, we have found an incredible church, we have become more compassionate and empathetic, and we have learned to take nothing for granted.
Somehow, seeing the good that is already working in our lives has made me realize how blessed we already are, and how blessed we will continue to be, no matter what lies ahead.
Know that your feelings are valid and rest in peace that God knows of your fears and worries and always has your best interest in mind. I look at Camilla everyday in amazement, but know that we don't know the future either. Giving it to God was the only way to make it through our pregnancy and you are soooo right...it is easier to say than live out. But, like you, I stood back the days right before Cami's delivery and counted all my many blessings from the situation. While I didn't/don't want my daughter to suffer or face health problems, I wouldn't change so many wonderful things about the whole experience. For example, we wouldn't have made so many new friends, like you said! We wouldn't know your family or have had the priviledge to pray for your daughter and teach our children how to pray for others. I am so excited to hear news on December 20th and I am praying you feel the same peace I blogged about that I felt during Cami's delivery. Love to all three of you!!!
ReplyDeleteAh man, I am a planner, list-making personality too!! And it is tough when in a situation filled with so many uncertainties. It's hard to know what to plan for when there are so many possibilities. That part drove me crazy too. Those verses you placed out are perfect to hold onto.
ReplyDeleteMike and I found ourselves in a deep topic of conversation last night...probably too deep for the hour of needing to go to sleep. :) It was about caring deeply vs. worry. And the differences between that. Sometimes they seem to slide together. Our worry is always rooted in the deep love and care we have for something. I think God wants us to have those feelings...but never let those feelings cause us to let go of trust in Him. But to actually seek Him deeper because of them. And Amy, I think God looks at you and is pleased with your heart.
And from one hydro mom that has been there, I wish I could say or do something that would ease emotions of these final countdown days. Oh how the mind can race with a million thoughts. I am excited along with you, to meet Claire and to begin reading her hydro story outside of the womb.
So many blessings I pray for you ones!
I understand your feelings 100%. I too am a planner. I like to know exactly how things are going to play out. And sitting there 3+ years ago, anticipating Elisabeth's birth - knowing nothing of what was to come - that was one of the hardest things I have been through.
ReplyDeleteBut that verse in James that you wrote of, where it says, 'count it all joy', that is so true! The truth is that the outcome doesn't matter...all things, including our trials can bring us huge blessings.
I look at Elisabeth now, and my heart is flooded with an unexplainable joy. Yes, she has severe brain damage, but her life has changed me for the better and I feel priveleged to be her mother.
I pray that you will feel calm, peace and joy in the weeks to come. What a Christmas miracle Claire will be!
While you are extraordinary in many ways, in this particular one--you are simply normal! I don't know any mom who wasn't terrified of the unknown before the birth of her child--with or without special conditions. Becoming a mother for the first time is a HUGE unknown, no matter your circumstances, and there is no list or book in the world that can prepare you for what lies ahead--the joy, worry, sleepless nights, excitement, amazement, frustrations, heartache, and unconditional love that you feel for your child. Your heart will truly be outside of your body when Claire arrives. And it's normal to be scared, and excited, and uncertain all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteYou have already faced your fears for Claire's needs, have done what was necessary to give her the best options, and love her--and there's no uncertainty that you will do the same after she arrives. And that's really all any of us can do for our children.
My Mom always says, "Let go, and let God."
ReplyDeleteLove,
Parker & Amy